Becoming the Love of my Life

Hey y'all🙋🏾‍♀️

This is gonna be more of a Dear Diary/ Life Update post so I hope you enjoy.

I'm sure you seent that title and already know this is about to be loaded af so let’s just get right into it. It all started about 2 or so years ago when I made the decision to end a 2 year long distance relationship with the guy I thought was the love of my life. We had been having pointless arguments and then one day we had an argument and he said some things that I deemed disrespectful so I quit being his girlfriend. Wild, to end a 2 year relationship just off of some words exchanged in an argument but I'm a strong believer in once you let something slide once its liable to become a habit, we also hadn't quite gotten the hang of the visitation part of our long distance relationship so the relationship had just about run its course. Immediately after our break up we made the promise (dumbest thing ever) that if one day we were in the same space and place we would try again, and obviously being the hopeless romantic that I am I held on to that idea as if it was the last bag of kettle corn in the world.

Anywho the break up I tried forcing myself to move on physically but he still very much so had my heart. No one else quite did it for me, I mean no one was him, they didn't get me, they didn't have time for me, they weren't cute enough, funny enough. I basically found something wrong with every guy I dated or that showed interest in me. I guess a part of me felt if I found someone else it wouldn't be the same or I'd miss out on my opportunity to work things out with him. Silly I know, but like I said this guy was the love of my life so there was no way I was letting him go just like that. I tried to keep in touch and continue being friends ( this was me trying to continue getting my daily doses because I was obviously still addicted to him and our love) but he wasn't having it, he faded from my life faster than an atm receipt, got a new gf (because obviously I stalked his socials) and was living his best life.

Fast forward, two years later, my dad passed away and I honestly felt like I needed him. He got me, he knew the dynamics of me and my dad's relationship and so I reached out and surprisingly he was nice enough to be there for me. After my dad's passing I went head first into a sea of personal development and self-awareness activities, trying to be the best version of myself. One of my favorite You-tubers ( Shan Boody) released a podcast talking about the manipulative games people play in relationships and in listening to it I recognized how I played a huge role in some of our pointless arguments throughout our relationship, so I reached out to apologize for my toxic behavior and we got to talking, he pointed out that the fault was obviously not all on me which reignited my fixation on him being the love of my life. So obviously I asked if we could at least be friends again. I honestly missed having my person, someone to talk to about my shows and just all the other crazy things I get into on a daily basis. To which he responded “yeah we could try”. I highkey should have known from that response to just let that shit dead but clearly being this delusional is a form of self hate.

So on to the part of this post thats actually about the title. After he said we could try being friends honestly what I heard was "omg yes we are meant to be together" and so I went off into my head making up fantasy plans of us going on dates, moving in together etc. ( yes I know how crazy this sounds especially since we only planned to " try" and be friends again).

On to the part where I wake up and smelt the coffee.

A few weeks after actively "trying" to be friends, he lost interest (if we’re being honest he was never interested to begin with), I'm somehow still on the hook so I was messaging to see how he's doing , to which he respondes days later or not at all. Lol here I am back in the exact same situation I was in a year or so earlier when I couldn't let go of the idea that we were meant together. *cues A Little More by Alessia Cara* This time instead of getting a new girlfriend he just faded. Which is just a tad bit worse if you ask me.

After listening to the Growing Pains album an obscene amount of times and completing a self-awareness workbook I kind of came to the realisation that maybe he wasn't the love of my life after all, and maybe I didn't need a love of my life (as lame and lonely as that makes me feel). I have so much love already from my family, friends and most importantly from myself. I also have a million and one things going for me to even be remotely bothered by the fact that some guy that was once in love with me isn't answering my messages. Lol so as of now its fxck that nigga! Ok maybe not fxck him cause love doesn't just disappear but I'm definitely letting go of the ideas, fantasies and the notion that he could possibly be the love of my life because well in order to be the love of my life he would atleast have to love me back right?

So to all the persons out there afraid of letting go of "the love of your life", think about how willing they would be to catch you if they knew you were about to let go. If they couldn't care less then why do you care so much? If they would be hesitant, do you really want someone hesitating on if they value you enough to catch you? I personally have decided that my love for myself is the only love that matters, single or not at the end of the day I'm all I'll ever have, myself and the love from my family and friends that I started out with.

*cues Truth Hurts by Lizzo*

I hope my openness provides some insight or maybe just some jokes, either way I hope you enjoyed.

See you next time..

xoxo

Jym